Unexpected

I have often wondered in my infertility journey how crazy awesome it would be to unexpectedly be pregnant.  Marcus and I comment how unreal it is that most people have you-know-what and boom they are preggo.  Even though our chances are slimmer than slim of a natural occurring pregnancy this girl has always secretly dreamed.  Many a month I have peed on a stick because I was one day late or just sure I felt nauseous. I stopped doing that years ago, because it was just too depressing.  Well, this past spring something happened that I thought would never happen. I took a pregnancy test and it was positive.  So I took about three more and that cute little plus sign kept popping up.  I was over the moon!  Marcus was having a hard time believing it.  I couldn't keep my mouth shut and called Charlotte and my mom bursting with joy!

What an unexpected blessing.  I had just set up an appointment to start the frozen embryo transfer process, we were shooting for a March or April transfer.  I felt like this was obvious divine intervention.  This was Heavenly Father having mercy on a stretched-thin, hard-working husband that had already paid a large sum financially and emotionally for 3 children and was willing to do it again on account of his pleading wife. The physical tiredness set in.  I loved it, it meant I was really truly pregnant.  The good sign of sickness came next.  

Of course I was scanning myself regularly.  First the gestational sac, then a visible yolk sac, but that tiny fetal pole didn't have a heartbeat.  I was right in the gray area, when it is normal to see a heartbeat and normal to not see a heartbeat.  I knew what it meant to not see that flicker within the next few days.  The next time I scanned it was obvious there was no heartbeat and the yolk sac was now an abnormal size.  I still had my hcg levels tested as it is hard to convince the heart what the mind already knows.  

The next month was the hardest.  I cried, I grieved, I didn't understand why it even happened? I became annoyed that I was still sick day and night.  I was frustrated that being pregnant was keeping me from doing the transfer and being pregnant. I was paranoid about when the miscarriage would start.  Would I have warning?  Should I get out of commitments and obligations? How painful was it going to be?   I went back and forth on waiting it out or taking the medicine to induce.  Four weeks later, I finally made an appointment to take the medicine.  Literally hours before my appointment I finally miscarried on my own and it wasn't as hard as I imagined it would be.  

I am stubbornly learning and re-learning to accept Heavenly Fathers plan for me.  I still don't have a clue why it happened.  But it sure was fun to experience a spontaneous pregnancy while it lasted.  The same peace and comfort came that I felt with our failed in-Vitros.  A very strong reminder that I need to keep submitting my will to His.  I'm thinking it may be a life long challenge for me.